Federico is the oldest of four siblings. His father, Vincenzo, emigrated from Italy to Southeast Asia in the mid-1960s. Vincenzo landed with only $15 in his pockets. Within a week, he had found a job as a plumber with a large manufacturing company. He quickly realized that he would rather own and build his own business than work for someone else. After saving some money, Vincenzo decided to invest into his own business and built a plumbing manufacturing and supply company.
While building the plumbing business, Vincenzo got married and had four children. Federico, along with his eldest sister and younger brother, worked alongside their father and helped build the business to more than $300M in annual revenues.
As the oldest sibling, Federico was the first to start work in the business, beginning right out of high school. He worked his way up from the bottom, starting in the yard, and became the CEO and chairman after his father retired. As his siblings grew older and showed an interest in the family business, they joined the business too. His sister, Antonella, became the head of HR while his younger brother Juliano rose through the ranks to manage the distribution division. Being the youngest sibling, Juliano had been coddled most of his life and had never really grown up to take responsibility for his actions.
Juliano was frequently late for work and could not be depended upon to always complete his duties. Federico felt it was his duty to look out for his younger brother and was always making concessions and excuses for Juliano’s poor performance.
Federico felt it was his responsibility to rescue his brother from the situations he inevitably put himself into. Federico thought he was creating a Safe Space for his brother. By repeatedly stepping in and rescuing his brother, saving him from himself and saving the family from embarrassment, Federico was actually being codependent and enabling his brother to continue his poor behaviour. The illusion Federico was operating under was this: If I protect my brother and keep him safe, then I will prevent any further conflict and embarrassment in the family.
Eventually, Juliano engaged in behaviours that could no longer be ignored by the rest of the family and other members of management, and he lost his position with the business. In the short term, Federico thought he was doing his brother and the family a service by continuing to play out his “gig” of rescuer. The reality was that by continuing his “gig” and continually rescuing Juliano, he was also preventing Juliano from growing and developing into a responsible adult.
In my coaching practice with business families, I regularly witness how an individual’s behaviour is often triggered by their interactions with other family members. This dynamic is especially apparent in sibling relationships. While siblings may have grown up within the same family unit, their personal experience of that upbringing can be vastly different. Siblings can carry significant unresolved issues and beliefs about each other—like parental favouritism—into adulthood.
This parental favouritism—real or perceived—made little difference to Frederico’s “gig” and was partly responsible for his need to continually rescue his younger brother from his own poor behaviours. Federico believed his younger brother was his parent’s favourite, and so to be seen or perceived as equal or more valuable than his brother in his parent’s eyes, he assumed the role of being his brother’s rescuer to try and increase his own value.
When Federico was able to recognize and understand what was driving his “gig” and his need to be the rescuer, he was more calm, clear, and confident about his decision to terminate his brother’s employment. Ultimately, Federico accepted accountability for his “gig” and understood the driver behind it. He also was able to understand the impact his “gig” was having on his brother, the family, and the business. As Galileo stated, “All truths are easy to understand, once uncovered; the key is to uncover them.”