Harmful behaviours can often be traced back to childhood and parental influence
Have you ever wondered why you behave or react in a certain way – or why you keep doing the same thing over and over again – even when it’s not working? We don’t do it because we’re insane, as the well-versed quote suggests, or because we don’t know any better. It’s because we find comfort in the familiar.
“The land of familiar,” as I call it, is the place where we feel safe even if that safety creates chaos.
For example, many entrepreneurs and founders could be regarded as risk takers. They make decisions to fulfill their dreams that others would regard as reckless. But are they really the volatile “chancers” they are often described as, or is it more complex?
The reason why we have higher or lower tolerances to risk is multi-faceted, but it can nearly always be traced back to our childhood and our parental influence. The way we act, behave and respond to people, events and situations is formed early in our childhood and through the inherited traditions that families pass on from generation to generation.
They may be customary practices or celebrations influenced by the religion, values and ideologies established through a family’s own unique culture. These traditions form the structure of both our families and our societies and can serve as a useful compass and foundation for a family’s roadmap.
That said, in our experience, the most successful entrepreneurs are the ones who are not wild risk-takers but in contrast are highly skilled “risk managers” – those who are willing to explore, adapt and modify their beliefs in order to remain relevant. Flexibility to change is critical and is why we encourage the families we work with to conduct an internal “audit” of their family’s traditions.
The proposition of an audit is where we find the most resistance from those we work with. At their very core, all organizations have one thing in common – they are made up of human individuals with emotions. And when you begin to question or challenge why things are done the way they are, emotions can run high.
Emotions are a normal and healthy part of human functioning, yet when I first introduce the word “emotion” to my clients, it’s not unusual to be met with hesitation, reluctance and at times complete disregard. Many of us have grown up with negative associations with emotional extremes, such as anger, control or fear. Programmed to believe that displaying emotion is a sign of weakness, it makes sense that we try to hide it.
It was this insight that led me to Veritage’s founding concept of “emotional governance.” It means shifting the lens of governance from being exclusively tied to financial capital to incorporating the human capital and entire family system. This is because navigating our emotions is an internal and panoramic process, and when we can manage them adequately, they serve as not only an effective decisive barometer for self-evaluation, but also for those around us.
Awareness, choice and transformation – how you can ACT
A tool that I developed to help leaders to better manage and regulate their emotions is called ACT, an acronym for Awareness, Choice and Transformation. I hope the following story illustrates how it can work in practice.
I was approached by the founder of a well-known family who was struggling with his relationship with his son. It had become so fractured that they rarely spoke outside the boardroom, and it was creating an environment that was severely impacting the business and family system. Fearful that he was about to lose everything, and that his son was close to walking away from both him and the business altogether, he was at a crisis point.
As we explored the father’s background, it materialized that his past family traditions had been dictating his present-day thoughts and behavior. Years of conditioning and inherited traditions around his family’s wealth, and the burden of keeping it, had created an invisible barrier of misunderstanding and disconnect between him and his son.
The ACT tool helped him to understand why he thought and behaved the way he did, and that with greater self-awareness, he could choose to behave differently. The personal transformation was huge, and consequently he felt confident in making some key structural changes to the company. His relationship with his son went from being at a breaking point to one of mutual trust and respect.
Once we have self-awareness, we are then faced with the truth of our emotions, and in turn the choice to embrace, learn and transform. For the risk-taker this may mean learning how to move into a position of risk management – someone who, just like a skilled chess player, analyzes and prepares for their next move to minimize the possible downside to any outcome. And for a founder who finds himself at a crossroads, contemplating when and whom to hand over the reins to, being a risk manager is essential. When we are aware of our own emotional patterns and who and what influenced them, we are then able to choose differently. The next step is being able to have the clarity to choose the best option to secure the greatest and most valuable transformation.
At its heart, ACT is a human-centric framework that can be used in the boardroom to help organizations transform into healthy and sustainable ecosystems that preserves both the financial and emotional well-being of everyone involved. Understanding how to identify, manage and regulate your own emotions allows you to be more constructive in managing multiple characters simultaneously. Fear of being judged, losing a job, losing status or suffering failure are often the main reasons that leaders don’t prioritize emotional governance, yet CEOs share the same worries and emotional struggles that we all do.
Over the years, I’ve witnessed countless entrepreneurs, CEOs, executives, founders and next-generation family members transform into leaders who lead with compassion, empathy and encouragement. Able to connect at a deeper level, they can serve as guide, mentor and coach, recognizing that every boardroom, team and organization is made up of humans with their own talents, skills and emotions.
Family traditions are integral parts of a family business. They bind you together and can offer an invaluable sense of belonging. But as society changes, so too does the construct of what a “traditional” family looks like. With an increasing number of blended families, varied cultures, religions and generations, modern families have many opinions and emotions to contend with. When there is a lack of respect for these differences, we find a lack of trust begins to feed into the family system. Expectations are not always met, and conflicts, disappointments and resentments chip away.
If individual family members do not undertake a personal inventory and examine their long-held beliefs, then those beliefs will continue to dictate their future behaviors and disrupt the entire family business ecosystem. Reimagining and realigning your family traditions is the gateway for emotional safety, and when utilized both in the boardroom and at home, they can create a family culture that transcends past, present and future generations.
I invite you to begin the process of ACT by taking some time away from your office and home environment to allow yourself to become curious about your beliefs, behaviors and emotional triggers.
Here are some questions to help you get started, or you can jump right into the tool here if you are curious:
- What traditions from your family have you carried with you into your adult life?
- How can you move from being a risk-taker to a risk manager?
- How can you ensure that your succession is not high-risk but is built on awareness, choice and transformation?
- Is your Next Gen adequately prepared to manage potential risks that they will inevitably face?
- Do you find yourself repeating the same mistakes without understanding why or how to change?
- Is there a tradition that you would like to let go of?
- Would you like to live and work together with clarity and harmony, so that everyone feels equipped and prepared to manage the unique complexities and challenges associated with family businesses? If so, maybe it’s time for a family audit.
I always say to my clients: If you want something different, you have to do something different, and in order to do something different you have got to become different. The choice is yours and the transformation is ready and waiting.