We either enable and allow the behaviour or empower them to become accountable.
A week or two ago I was at home and I just wanted to veg out on the couch with a movie. I chose Inside Man, a crime thriller starring Denzel Washington, Clive Owen and Jodie Foster. If you haven’t seen it, I encourage you too! Anyways, (and a small spoiler coming up) it centres on Clive Owen and his team of bank robbers who pull a very elaborate heist. Essentially, these hostage takers take extreme measures to hide who they are and dress the hostages in the same coveralls and masks, having them change rooms at times and generally causing chaos among them, so when they eventually exit the building, the police have no idea who the real perpetrators are.
It got me thinking that, while not exactly the same, I have seen a similar scene play out in some families I have worked with. Inside the room, there is a ‘hostage taker’ who is essentially holding the rest of the family hostage, and purposely causing chaos, from making changes and moving in a different direction. After this, when they exit the room, they all look the same: tired, annoyed, frustrated, defeated. You probably wouldn’t be able to tell who the perpetrator of chaos is.
It typically starts with parents and/or siblings allowing, enabling or simply putting up with the behaviour of another family member. When issues come up as a family, they become the one that holds the family hostage and the family does everything to make sure that individual gets what they want. So, by engaging in change, the family is deciding that they are no longer going to enable that individual nor their behaviour, the ‘hostage taker’ is no longer going to get what they want. They all still want to walk out of the room together, and all the same, but they want it to be with a foundation of trust, respect, achievement and accomplishment.
Think about your family member or friend who is always late (we all have one of those!). By waiting for them every time, you are allowing that behaviour to occur and perpetuate. If you tell them one time, ‘I’m not going to wait around for you anymore’, they will have to decide if they want to change their behaviour or not, which could mean missing out on time together. When we are in relationships, they are based on an agreement. If we allow something to occur, we agree to it and say it’s ok. What, then, is the impetus for change? We either enable and allow the behaviour or empower them to become accountable.
Questions To Ponder:
How does your family enable behaviour of one or more members?
What approaches are being taken to begin to make them more accountable?
What traditional family behaviours would like you to see change?